Navigating Faith Transitions
When I started my Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy, I heard the term “differentiation” for the first time. It’s learning to become autonomous in your thoughts, feelings and beliefs from others, particularly your family. Living in Utah, this comes up a lot in therapy, particularly in regards to religious beliefs. The dominant religion here is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS) and it often encompasses much of someone’s life. As we launch into adulthood we start to explore more fully what we believe separate from what we grew up believing (it’s deeper than adolescent rebellion). Within the faith culture here, there can be a lot of distress with separating oneself from the religion one grew up in. Some families are open and accepting of this change, while others can engage in shaming behavior toward the person that leaves. I have often found that the clients that struggle the most with faith transitions (changing their religious belief system) have typically faced rejection from their social support system, whether that be family or friends.
While I don’t ever support shaming behaviors, I understand it’s hard for family members to see people they love choosing a different path. It can feel like a threat, even though it is not an actual threat. There is often sorrow or fear that their loved one won’t be with them in the next life. Differentiating from your family requires stretching in uncomfortable ways. It requires openness, kindness and an attempt to understand from all sides.
If you are the one leaving behind the religion you grew up in, it can be helpful to explore what values may be similar to your family of origin even if you don’t worship the same way. For example, you may not believe in a God or afterlife, but you may still believe in being honest with others and giving to those in need. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can be a helpful therapy approach as it provides clarity to what you value, along with skills to align your values to how you live your life. During transitions it can also be useful to find new skills to feel peace or calm, like being in nature or meditating. Some clients report missing religious rituals that helped them to feel peace, such as prayer or LDS temple worship, so it is critical to find other ways to feel calm that aligns with new beliefs. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of old beliefs. Grieving includes feelings of anger, denial and sadness. Work on finding common ground with your religious family members and set boundaries when needed. Finally, remember that you don’t have to convince them why you no longer believe, just like you don’t have to convince them to believe what you believe.
If you have a family member that has left the faith that you believe in, work on understanding their “why” without preaching or trying to get them to change their mind. Avoid sending articles or scriptures. Ask what their boundaries are regarding what they do or do not want to discuss with you. Find someone you can talk with about your own feelings of sadness or loss. Your loved one is not responsible for how you feel about their change in beliefs. It also doesn’t mean you have failed if they leave the religion you raised them in. Remember that what brings you happiness, may not bring them happiness. A loving home is one that can accept each other for who each member is, not who you want them to be. Families can become closer when they allow others to differentiate within the system.