How to Tune into What You Really Want in a Relationship

What you need or want in a relationship can look different than your friend, sibling or co-worker. We all have different ways we feel seen or loved, desires, values, and deal-breakers that we hold for our relationships to be fulfilling. 

The hustle and bustle of our daily lives can lead to busy, routine paths that make it easy to feel disconnected in a relationship. Whether you’re single, actively dating, or already in an established long-term relationship, it’s important to identify and communicate your wants and needs. This can promote deeper connections and a more meaningful partnership.

The process isn’t about creating a superficial checklist but as a tool to get to know yourself, and then how to develop or seek that in relationships. Here are some ways to help you tune in:

Identify Core Values

Start by asking yourself what your core values are. What principles guide you in your everyday life? What do you value the most? Are there deal-breakers in values or behaviors that are not okay with you?

Examples of these core values could include honesty, creativity, family orientation, personal growth, spiritual or religious beliefs, success or independence. Having a relationship with someone that aligns with your core values is often correlated with a better chance of long-term success and happiness.

Reflect on Past Relationships

When a relationship ends, you typically aren't interested in rehashing old wounds. This exercise doesn’t need to be anything too in-depth, but rather a review to give guidance.

Looking back on past relationships shouldn’t be used for side-by-side comparisons. Look for any patterns that you’ve had with past partners. Are there behaviors you need to work on, or types of partners that don’t work well for you? 

Identify positive things you’d want in a future relationship, and things you don’t want to replicate again.

Listen to Your Emotions

It can be easy to overlook emotions or miss certain feelings altogether. Your body and emotions tend to know things before your brain does.

Get in the habit of paying attention to what your emotions are telling you. When do you feel safe and secure? What happens to make you feel anxious or drained? How can your partner make you feel invigorated and energized? It’s important to understand when your emotions get triggered, as this can give you helpful information to improve your relationships. 

Practice Mindfulness

This journey can be challenging if you don't already understand your wants and needs. Finding ways to connect with your inner self can help you get the answers you’re looking for.

Take quiet moments to make these connections. Meditation is a great way to explore your inner world. Take solo walks outside in nature to help keep yourself grounded. If nothing else, simply sit in silence, breathe deeply and allow your brain to wander wherever it needs to go.

Journal about Your Wants/Desires

As you go through this self-exploration, explore the art of journaling. Write about what you think your ideal day would be like. How does your partner fit into this ideal? How is your communication? When conflict arises, how do you resolve it?

Explore Your Attachment Style

Understanding how you can connect to others, whether a secure, anxious, or avoidant style, can help you gain a better awareness of what you need to feel safe within a relationship. It can also help you see how unhealthy patterns can develop as a form of self-protection. Identify your style and that of your partner, if applicable.

Speak with a Professional

Sometimes, seeking an outside perspective can be helpful in these situations. Therapy is often viewed as a tool for when you need to "fix" something. However, couples therapy can help to increase satisfaction and joy in a relationship prior to problematic patterns developing. 

By working with a couples therapist, you can identify your relationship needs and desires while improving your relationship with yourself. If you’re ready to dive into some self-exploration, or want to work together with your partner, contact us today.