How to Tell Your Loved Ones that You’ve Left the LDS (Mormon) Church
Dealing with a faith transition from a high demand religion can be extremely difficult with many complexities, layers of emotions and various relationships involved. One of those layers might include family members or friends who continue to practice orthodox Mormonism as you shift your spirituality practice and address potential religious trauma through therapy.
While there is no right or wrong way to navigate a faith transition, some might decide to have designated conversations with loved ones about their status with the church, while others may choose to allow their loved ones to discover it through lifestyle changes. Due to Mormonism being a highly rule-based religion, loved ones might be able to notice this by changes in the clothes you wear or by social media posts on Sunday’s that show you engaging in activities you might not have on the Sabbath.
Some might feel more comfortable with the subtle changes in their life as indicators of a shift in their religious or spiritual practice, while others might choose to have a more direct approach. It is important to think through this decision, and if needed, seek out the support of a therapist to help.
If you decide to initiate a conversation with loved ones there are a few things to consider and prepare for to make it as smooth as possible for your loved one(s) and yourself:
Consider Your Journey
Take some personal time to consider your journey, what sparked it, and what it has been like for you. There are many reasons for people leaving the LDS faith and most people have differing experiences or reasons that lead them to a faith transition. While it might be difficult to verbalize your journey and what you have been experiencing, it can be helpful to create some clarity for yourself going into this conversation. This might involve therapy sessions focusing on your religious trauma or your faith journey, writing it down, talking to a trusted person in your support system, or even just taking intentional time to think about it
Think about How Much to Share
You get to decide what and how much you want to share, and there is no right or wrong. It can feel frustrating to think about the stereotypes or ideas there are about members who have left the LDS church. It is not your responsibility to manage or shift anyone’s ideas or beliefs about why you left! These ideas and stereotypes might not be an accurate reflection of you and your decisions, and some people find it helpful to share their reasons so there is not as much room for inaccurate assumptions.
Outline Your Values
If you have not already done so, listing out your values mentally, on paper, or even your phone notes app can provide some direction for the conversation. Note where your values still align with some of the values taught in the church (if at all), and how these values have influenced your journey. Consider bringing some of your values into the conversation as it could be a potential tool to help bridge the gap between you and your loved ones that still are believing members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It may help them to see that you are still the same person even if you don’t practice the same religion.
Their Reactions and Emotions are Their Responsibility
Remember that it is not your responsibility to protect or shield your loved ones from confusion, pain, or hurt that may accompany this conversation. It is vastly uncomfortable to consider being the cause of someone’s pain or hurt, however, your responsibility is to be honest and authentic about your beliefs. While you can do your best to be courteous, respectful, and kind to your loved ones, being in a relationship of any kind means that there will likely be some differences of opinion or lifestyle at some point. Working through emotions may look different if it is your partner versus siblings/parents/friends. Remember, you can’t fix how they feel, or control how this impacts their life. It is important to be mindful of this, and how you manage this.
Consider the Timing and Place
Choosing the day, time, and place of the conversation given the nature of your relationship can help create a safer space for each of you. Consider choosing a less stressful time in your life and theirs (if possible) as this sets up a space for more calmness from the beginning. Ask yourself these questions: Would it feel better to do a phone call and have immediate space to yourself after? Or would you prefer in person and if so, where would you feel more comfortable? What emotions might come up for you? How would you respond to them in the moment if they do?
Prioritize Self-Care Afterwards
Have a self-care plan set up for afterwards and consider some soothing or grounding activities to support you. Create a plan for what would help you through the emotions you might experience during and after your conversation about your faith transition. This could include seeking the support of a trusted loved one in your support system, engaging in a preferred form of movement, meditation/mindfulness, going to a park, your favorite place, or having a therapy session.
Consider Doing Couples or Family Therapy
Depending on the relationship and each person’s willingness, consider doing family therapy to address the shifts in your relationship related to your faith transition. Family therapy or counseling could be useful as it provides a space for every person to be seen and heard regarding your faith transition. This can be a safe space for everyone to navigate the newfound changes of the relationship and find ways to connect differently.
Remember that you have been experiencing your faith transition for months or years while they only have a matter of seconds to hear this information and respond. Unfortunately, an initial response may not always be kind or helpful, but hopefully this will be the first of many conversations, if you and your loved one are open to it. Initial responses don’t have to be where it ends.
If you and your loved ones need support on how to best strengthen your connection or even how to communicate about these differences following a faith transition, our therapists can help. Check out our faith transition therapy page to learn more or reach out via our contact page.
